Cooperation involves two seemingly contradictory movements: asserting self and supporting another. One asserts one's own needs and interests, and at the same time supports the needs and interests of others. The challenge is to do them simultaneously, since they operate like a push and pull. Many people are skillful at one of these; few are skillful at both. The combination is remarkably effective. With practice anyone can learn it!
Supportiveness Skills (listening) Assertiveness Skills (speaking)
1. Paraphrasing
1. I-Messages
2. Openness
2. Preference Stating
3. Agreement Stating
3. Purpose Stating
Supportiveness Skills: The "Pull" of ListenIng
Paraphrasing
Reflecting in one's own words the essence of what the speaker has said. This is the most useful listening skill in that it demonstrates one's commitment to understanding.
How to paraphrase
Keep the focus on the speaker. "So you felt..., You're saying...,
"You believe.....
Restate briefly in your own words, rather than simply parroting
the speaker.
Reflect both content and feeling whenever possible and appropriate.
Match, to some extent, the emotional intensity of the speaker
in your paraphrase.
Why Paraphrase?
Demonstrates understanding and/or the attempt to understand.
Clarifies the communication. (If you misunderstand, they'll correct
you.)
Affirms worth of speaker and encourages them to say more.
Reduces defensiveness of both you and the speaker.
Slows down a fast or angry conversation, helping to reduce the
intensity of the conflict.
Examples
"So you were really frightened when...."
"You felt I was being unfair to you when...."
"Let me make sure I'm understanding you. You're saying you
don't want that responsibility...."
Openness
Communicating openness to receive more information about others' perceptions and needs, even if those may be critical or competitive. This is often important in order to clarify the situation before attempting to respond.
Examples
"Say more about...."
"Tell me what you have in mind.."
"Give me a specific example.."
Agreement Stating
Acknowledging where one agrees with others in the midst of a disagreement.
Examples
"I agree with you that...."
"I can see what you're saying about...."
"I share your concerns about.... "
Page 134 Chapter 3- Communicating & Problem
Solving Mennonite Conciliation Service..
Assertiveness Skills: The "Push" of Speaking
I-Messages
A clear, non-threatening way to confront that focuses on oneself rather than on the other person. It communicates the impact of the situation on one's emotions or performance.
How to Use I-Messages.
Focus on yourself and own the problem: "I...."
Name the feeling: "I felt used...."
Name the problem behavior: "I felt used when you put your name
on the work I did...."
Describe the impact on you: ."...because I put a lot of time and
energy into that project."
Why use l-Messages?
I take responsibility for my feelings
Avoids blaming or accusing the other
Reduces defensiveness and de-escalates conflict
Expresses strong feelings in a way that preserves the relationship
Examples
"I felt angry when you told me to meet you at noon and then
you didn't come or call, because I had changed my plans so we could meet."
"It's very upsetting for me when you get your projects in
late. I get behind with my deadlines and then others get on my case."
Preference Statements
Communicating clearly one's preferences or desires rather than stating them as demands or forcing others to guess. Defining oneself clearly also invites others to do the same.
Examples
"My preference is. . . "
"What I'd like is. . . "
"It would be helpful to me if. . . "
Purpose Stating
Making known one's intentions so others do not unknowingly operate at cross-purposes. By supplying information about your aims, a purpose statement enables others to understand what you are about and if possible, help achieve your purpose without needless misunderstanding.
Examples
"What l'm trying to accomplish is...."
. "I'm hoping to..."
"My intention was to...."
MCS Seaff MCS 1908, 1992, 2000
Mennonite Conciliation Service Chapter 3 - Communication & Problem-Solving Page 135
A Process for Working at Interpersonal Conflict
1. Break the cycle of destructive conflict: Name the conflict
Often just asking, "What's happening between us?" can break the cycle so that each person can begin to reflect on the situation and her/his role in the conflict. Take some time alone if needed and then plan a time when both of you are able to work on the conflict.
2. Listen to yourself
Take time to listen to your feelings and reflect on where they are coming from. Think how you want to treat yourself and the other person in this conflict, reminding yourself of the importance of the other person and of your relationship.
3. Tell your stories (uninterrupted time)
Create the space to listen to each other, allowing each person to tell her/his story. This includes past unresolved hurts, each person's perspective on what has happened, and what concerns remain. Ideally, it is a process of moving from blame to discovery, of uncovering what happened and what is important.
4. Identify the issues creating tension
Once each person has told her/his story, make a list of all the issues that are creating tensions in the relationship. Try to make one joint list and include tangible disagreements as well as past hurts.
5. Identify commonalities and move toward healing
Take time to acknowledge and validate the other person. This is also a time for identifying what you hold in common about a particular issue. If there are hurts, name the feelings and discover the roots to them. It might be helpful to allow each person time to write if the issue provokes a lot of emotions.
6. Work together on one issue at a time
Clarify what the issue is, why it is important, and what each person's interests are concerning the issue. This is another stage of discovery where different perspectives are expected and welcome.
7. Generate options for reconciliation and resolution
Brainstorm options for meeting each person's concerns. Avoid critiquing a suggestion or jumping to agreement at this step. Do not be afraid to make a request, but also consider what you can offer the other person.
8. Build a plan that satisfies both
Choose from the options in the previous step, discussing the pros and cons of the most promising ideas. Several ideas are often combined together to satisfy both parties on a particular issue. It is a good idea to write down your plan, specifying who will do what, when and where.
9. Focus on relationship and agree to check back
After you have crafted an agreement, take time to reflect on your relationship now that you have worked through this process. Discuss how you can learn from the conflict, let go of the power it has over you and release the other person. Be generous and gracious with each other, acknowledging the hard work you have done and the positive contributions each made to the process.
lO.Agree to check in
Make a commitment about how and when you will support each other and check back on the progress you are making.
-Mark Chupp. MCS 2000. Many of these concepts are drawn from Making Peace with Conflicts: Practical Skills for Conflict Transformation, Carolyn Schrock-Shenk and Lawrence Ressler, editors (Herald Press, 1999).
Mennonite Conciliation Service Chapter 3 - Communication & Problem-Solving page 149.
Conflict Management for Leaders: Some Principles.
Build an atmosphere of trust
Trust is the single most important element in healthy conflict management.
Building an open, respectful and safe system is the foundation for constructive
rather than destructive conflict.
Establish conflict as normal
Expect it. Don't let it catch you off guard. It's as much a part
of life as food. Be open about its presence. Name it. Explore it.
Invite it. Welcome and explore differences. Be wary of a decision that seems to be flying through without dissent. Create ongoing structures that invite dialogue, feedback and evaluation. ~-
Exploit it. Conflict is the stuff of growth, change and progress. Learn from it and help others learn from it. Use it to learn new truths about yourself, each other and God.
Equip yourself with skills, especially listening
Careful, deep listening is a tangible sign of respect and is the
most important element in conflict transformation. It includes temporarily
setting aside your own agenda in order to understand what the other person
is trying to communicate.
Be a non-anxious presence and stay connected
Conflict often produces fear and anxiety. Your ability as
a leader to move toward the point of anxiety and be a calm, nonjudgmental
and sensitive presence is critical. It means staying engaged with people,
their emotions and their issues rather than retreating or attacking.
Invite and model self-definition
Model the capacity to state openly your feelings, goals, values,
preferences and roles. This clarity opens the way for others to define
themselves as well rather than waiting to simply react to others.
Good process prevents unnecessary conflict
Go slow to go fast. Carefully planning problem-solving and decision-making
processes and being clear about the steps involved saves much time and
frustration in the long run. The process is not only as important as the
outcome but actually helps determine the outcomes.
Keep your eye on the system
Your congregation/organization is a system with rules and patterns
and habits. Every interaction and every conflict is affected by the system
and vice-versa. Ask yourself what meaning specific things have for the
larger system.
Keep conflict manageable
Be proactive. Listen constantly and deal with issues as soon
as they emerge. Sorting through differences of opinion early is much easier
than dealing with antagonism and escalated conflict later.
Feelings are an important part of the process
Invite, acknowledge and validate the presence and expression of
emotions. Explore their meaning. They are key to transformation.
Keep the process mutual
Invite feedback, suggestions and criticism from, others. Receive
it non-defensively, listen carefully and accurately paraphrase the concerns
before responding.
Work to remove problems from a competitive framework. Frame it as a problem to be solved together.
Validate the other and the relationship and your commitment to both.
Ask for help
Know when you need to ask for help and where you can find that help.
Seeking outside help is a strength not a weakness.
You can only change yourself
Resist the temptation to focus on changing others. Edwin Friedman
(Generation to Generation), says that the success of a leader is more related
to how he or she functions as an individual than on managing the members.
In his words, the key to successful coaches is less a matter of how they
'handle' the players than how they handle themselves. Carolyn Schrock-Shenlc
MCS 1995
Mennonite Conciliation Service Chapter 5-Groups
Page 253
Recognizing Feelings
Any conflict, indeed any interaction, is wrapped in feelings. What feelings are present, how they are expressed, how much they need to be "unpacked" in a situation varies gready depending upon many factors. But feeling are valid, important and a very necessary part of conflict transformation.
Eliciting Feetings
1. Create a safe space.
Work at ways to build trust and community.
Elicit and use ground rules appropriate to the situation.
Emphasize the importance of feelings as part of the transformation
process.
Acknowledge the existence and validity of many differentand even
conflictingfeelings.
Acknowledge and accept feelings as they are expressed.
2. Observe body language and tone of voice.
Listen "beneath the words. ~
Be sensitive to timing, to people's readiness to be vulnerable.
3. Create opportunities to name and describe feelings.
Ask open questions:
" "How do you feel about that?
" "Gail, how did that incident in the hallway affect you?"
.
" "Tyler, you got really agitated while Mrs. Arnold was
talking. What was happening to you then?"
" "What was it like for you to grow up without a mother?"
Allow for and be comfortable with times of silence.
Responding to Feelings
Develop a vocabulary for a variety of emotions.
Validate the expressed feelings by listening without judgment
and reflecting them back to the speaker.
Be tentative in naming a feeling, but don't fear guessing the
wrong one. Correcting the guess will help clarify the feelings.
Help the speaker distinguish between feelings/emotions and behavior/action.
Invite the speaker to elaborate, to be specific about what they
feel and why. Encourage them to vent until they are ready and able to make
positive behavior choices.
If someone wants to change a feeling, ask what s/he needs in order
for that to happen.
Carolyn Schrock-Shenk .-MCS 1995